Dyslexic people are increasingly encouraged to view their dyslexia in a positive light. However, many dyslexics feel a number of distressing emotions about their difficulties and their situation. Most commonly reported are the following:
Confusion and bewilderment
Many adult dyslexics are unaware that they have a recognizable pattern of difficulties which can be significantly alleviated through the learning of appropriate skills and strategies. Typically, therefore, an adult dyslexic feels thoroughly confused. He/she seems to be quite bright and quick-thinking in some ways, but apparently quite slow and 'stupid' in others.
Embarrassment, shame and guilt
Feelings of embarrassment about dyslexia can deepen into shame, and, whereas embarrassment is often specific to a particular situation, shame seems to seep through the whole personality. Often dyslexic people come to feel that they have a guilty secret. Ella, a successful potter, describes it thus:
“I had a secret inside me. I kept 'it' in a box; and would only open the lid very cautiously. You may well laugh when you know the contents of the box: it was dyslexia. That word, that almost indescribable thing, lived in the box and pervaded almost every part of my life, but no one could see it. It was a living nightmare.”
Lack of confidence, low self-esteem.
The emotions described above – bewilderment, shame, guilt – deal a crippling blow to confidence and self-esteem. Lack of confidence manifests itself both in relation to specific tasks that a dyslexic person finds difficult, and in a more general way. At work there is a feeling of not being competent to hold down one's job. There is also a nervousness about applying for promotion, or for another job. In interviews, particularly, lack of confidence can be very damaging.
The daily questionings of one's own abilities and capacities will slowly but surely erode one's self-esteem. Among all the problems, the difficulties, the inefficiencies, the traumas, where is the person who is of worth? Is there such a person in there somewhere? Lack of confidence may result in aggressive or defensive behavior. Then the dyslexic person becomes trapped in a pattern of interaction, or rather reaction, which imprisons him/her in a lonely and distressing world.
Frustration and anger.
A sense of being imprisoned, trapped, impotent is often reported by dyslexic adults. George, a long-distance lorry driver, describes it thus: “I felt I couldn't move in any direction. In my job I was always moving, going in all directions, but in myself I couldn't go anywhere. I was grounded. That's why I liked the driving – I would drive and drive and drive to try and get away from the frustration, but however far you drive, you can't get away from yourself.”
In human beings, frustration soon turns to anger. But who should the anger be directed against? Who is to blame? All too often dyslexic adults end up blaming themselves.
Anxiety, fear and panic.
Whatever difficulties one may have in life, anxiety usually makes them worse, and this is certainly true of dyslexic difficulties: adult dyslexics become locked in a vicious circle of anxiety and inefficiency. Anxiety and stress can also precipitate physical symptoms: panic attacks, nausea, migraine, susceptibility to illness. Being physically below par naturally further reduces efficiency and so the downward spiral continues.
Despondency, depression and despair.
If the difficulties continue to go unrecognised, if there is continual failure in attempts to study and hold down jobs, then the dyslexic person may lose hope and sink into depression.
Relief, determination and hope.
It perhaps seems as if this paper has been full of doom and gloom. Yet all the emotions that have been described here are commonly reported by dyslexic adults. However, once dyslexic difficulties have been recognized, and strategies for dealing with them put in place, life can often take a turn for the better. All the energy that previously went into worrying about the problems, and covering them up, can now be channeled into developing effective ways of dealing with them, both practically and emotionally. What usually emerges most strongly is a sense of hope and a feeling of determination to turn one’s life around.
As James, who was recently diagnosed as dyslexic, said: “I felt as if the prison doors had been opened. I looked out and saw paths leading in all directions. I didn't know which of the paths was mine. All I did know was that I would have a path in future and that the years of confinement were over.”
- Dyslexia in the Workplace, by Diana Bartlett and Sylvia Moody, published by Whurr.
- Dyslexia at College, by Tim Miles and Dorothy Gilroy, published by Routledge.
- Dyslexia and Stress, edited by Tim Miles and Ved Varma, published by Whurr.
